What are some “Red Flags” in the Pre-dating phase?

I believe that it is possible for people to change after they’re married. As in, you married an angel, but 3 years in you’re convinced this person is a “fallen angel”. However, I feel that’s a very rare case. Many times, the person you’re married to was that way while you two were dating. And chances are that if they were the same person while dating, they were exhibiting the same characteristics before you two were together. It’s a reoccurring issue in our lives that we will ignore the bad in someone just because we don’t want to be alone. I mean, “something is better than nothing, right?” WRONG! I would rather see more happy singles instead of miserable marriages. It’s not God’s plan for us to continue dating people who aren’t good for our purpose or mental health for that matter.

So what are some red flags that we can look out for before even dating someone? Let’s dive in to a small list I believe we must go over!

1. You see that they are driven by lust!

“Send pics”

“What are you wearing?”

Or you hear them say that they desire a virtuous woman or a godly man, but their social media entertains raunchy comments or follow naked pages.

Listen to me, believers, these people aren’t worth your time.

The person that was driven by lust that you gave a pass to will suddenly turn into this person:

“If you love me, you would….”

“It’s okay, we can just repent after.”

I’m not saying they can’t change, but I think they need to change before the relationship! You don’t want to get into the relationship assuming they’ll begin to respect your desire for physical purity if they haven’t in the past.

“But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

2. They’re hostile when they don’t get what they desire.

I’ve seen one too many movies, heard too many sad stories and befriended one too many people to understand the dangers of connecting with people that have anger or self-control issues. Even in the church. People that get mad whenever they don’t get their way tend to become controlling, manipulative and/or abusive. If you see how they react under pressure and it scares you, please understand that dating or marrying them won’t change that. Only God can removed hatred and anger from our hearts.

I receive many messages with this same saying, “they’re pressuring me to do certain things i don’t feel comfortable doing and they usually get mad when i say no”. Yes, those messages are usually from women, but it can happen to both male and female. I want you to know that abuse is not the will of God. Every relationship has its issues, but God does not want you getting abused physically, verbally or emotionally in your pursuit of love.

“Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.” (Proverbs 22:24-25 NLT)

3. Not passionate about their walk with Jesus.

This is easily the biggest issue I can point out, but I do know for some it’s no big deal. Many argue with me that they’ve seen many friends and family members marry unbelievers that got saved because of their connection. Which can easily happen and I’d never refute that. However, that isn’t the original design God would have for you. God’s will is for us to be in communion with Him, so it is not likely that He would send someone to you that doesn’t want to help you seek Him. A man who doesn’t love Jesus is a man you can live without. A woman who doesn’t pursue Jesus is a woman you do not need to be chasing. I know of many devoted Christians that walked away from God, church and Christian friends because of their unequally yoked connection.

If they aren’t faithful to God, why would they be faithful to you? A man or woman who is consistent in their walk with God will strive to love you in a way that will please Him. I strongly believe that the real definition of love is found in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13) and it really takes the work of the Holy Spirit for us to love people properly. Unsaved people may not be “mean”, but there’s only so much they can do if they aren’t passionate about God. If they can’t even enjoy going to church, that’s just your sign to let them go and move forward.

“Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

4. They’re not over an ex

It’s almost impossible to move forward while constantly looking in the past. People who aren’t over their ex will never be able to appreciate the value and beauty of what’s to come because they’ll always be reminiscing over “what could’ve been”. However, I’m a firm believer that what would’ve, could’ve and should’ve happened, didn’t happen for a reason. It’s up to us to understand that it’s okay for them to not be over their ex, but we should not feel obligated to wait until they know what they want.

It’s not your job to compete with an ex. If they aren’t healed from the hurt they may have experienced, their insecurities won’t allow you to love them properly. If they wished they were still with that ex, nothing you can do would be good enough to replace their affection for that other person. I’ve heard many times that there are “no good men out there” or “all women are the same”, but none of those generalizations are true. What I do hear is a hurt person who needs healing from their past.

“”Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV)

Of course there are tons more, but I decided to keep it short. What are some other red flags you’ve come across in the dating or pre-dating stage?

Remember to share this blog with a friend or family member.

Grace and peace,

Tovares Grey

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